Caught between two worlds (Nida)

Although I'd like to think of myself as a rolling stone, but the truth is, I am a lazy bugger. Staying in one place for more than a couple of nights, I immediately start to grow roots, and the moment of moving on seems to be getting harder as years go by. Looking back, I remember those years travelling in Africa, when every morning I was eager to get to know new places, meet new people, discover new sides to myself. Now, it seems that every departure makes me feel a little more weary, and yes, lonely.

The past weekend was a lovely one: I spent it at Nida Tango Retreat on the Baltic coast, with a bunch of great people. There was a good amount of dancing too with daily and nightly milongas, but this time, the best part of the experience was the carefree, lazy time I spent with my friends outside the dance floor. Indeed, there was so much fooling around, joking, talking and laughing that I felt it was more therapy than dancing!

The place itself is breathtaking: a long, narrow peninsula with remarkably high dunes of the finest sand you can imagine. I had anticipated it to be a lot more touristic, but outside of a couple of towns, it was totally unpopulated, with pine tree forests, beaches and wide expanses of grassy plains. One day, we took a boat ride to see the dunes from sea, and although the wind was pretty strong, this perspective was perhaps the most impressive.

My crazy tango friends, some time after a long night dancing, waiting for the morning sun.

Dance-wise, despite some lovely dances I was not able to get into the flow that is the highest reward one can get from devotion to tango. It is always an unexpected gift when one achieves it, so I am not disappointed as such. However, as I did not achieve 'The Bliss', now I find myself once again wondering what it is that keeps me so hooked on this lifestyle and the financial and social sacrifices it requires. In Nida, I talked about this with a couple of friends, and we agreed that finding a balance between so-called real life and tango is the biggest challenge of all. When we are among our 'own kind', we share the same passion and this makes us feel very close, but somehow it still isn't quite enough to keep us together outside of the tango scene. And with those of our friends who do not dance, we struggle to find the same intimacy and unity that good tango brings. In short, we are caught between two worlds.

As a perfect example what tango people are ready to do for that a glimpse of the Bliss, yesterday, in addition to the 4 hour drive from Nida, I travelled the extra 100 km from Kaunas to Vilnius in order to dance in the Monday evening milonga, only to arrive too late (had thought the milonga would end one hour later)! I had barely time to change my shoes when the final tanda was played, and although I did dance it, was obviously not in the mental state to reach anything resembling bliss. Instead, I was just kicking myself for being such a fool, and feeling irritated about everything, including the music, my partner and my own movements. They say that you only really learn the hard way, and last night should have taught me a lesson or two!

Am now just getting ready to cycle out of Kaunas where my bike was waiting while I made the trip to Nida in a friend's car. The weather that has been so lovely for so long has now become like the typical Finnish summer: it is cold, windy, and the clouds are hanging very low promising more rain any minute. I am far from keen to leave the cozy warmth of Milda's place, and having to make a huge effort to get myself back on the bike. Actually, it feels just like the first day at work after a holiday. Only this time, riding that bike is my work, and the next 'holiday' awaits 1000 km away!

With Viktoria.