An open letter to a beginning tanguer@

Dear beginning tanguer@,

On the brink of becoming totally hooked on tango. Perhaps, you just took your first intensive beginner's course, or just got through your first night dancing at a milonga...or maybe even just returned from your first tango trip abroad. I have decided to write you this letter, perhaps as a word of warning, perhaps to ease your path a little, or perhaps, to reminisce about my own path that has taken me through some pretty amazing highs - and the most crushing lows. Indeed, what i am going to tell you, I wish they had told me before I took a single step on the dance floor.

Years ago, when I was a starry eyed beginner, full of hope and aspiration to become one of those mystical creatures filling up the dance floor in the milonga, I met a man in the lift of a low-end hostel in Berlin. Somehow, we got into talking about tango, and the man told me he had also been a tanguero for a long time, before walking away. Shocked by even such a possibility, i enquired how he could ever have left tango? His reply was something I haven't been able to forget. He said: "Tango is a trap. It sucks you dry, taking everything you have - and leaving you with nothing."

Now this may sound a bit harsh, and indeed, it is. However, i promise you that if you continue on the path you are now contemplating, becoming more and more involved in the parallel universe of the Milonga life, there will be a time that you understand what he meant. Not in the first couple of years, perhaps not even the first 10, but almost inevitably, there will be a moment when you feel the same. And just like i didn't, you don't believe that it could happen to you.

So, what is the point of writing this letter, if the end result seems as inevitable as the denial of its existence? Maybe, at the back of my mind, i am thinking that there *is* a way to avoid it, if one can just get the word accross to those who still have a chance to follow it. So, here's my sincere advice to you, who still might be able to have the cake - and eat it.

Do believe those who say that practice makes perfect. Even when you are already getting a lot of dances at the milonga (and especially then!). Don't let yourself be lulled into the belief that those people wouldn't be dancing with you unless your dancing was good. Keep taking lessons, keep trying to learn to dance with many different kinds of dancers, not just the ones that you enjoy the most. This is especially true if you happen to be young and good-looking. For the day will come when that just isn't enough- or there is someone even younger and more attractive.

This is just as true - but even more crucial - if you start a little older. Starting tango when you are a follower over 40 is a steep uphill climb: the fact that there are so many younger women at the milonga makes it even more imperative to practice, practice and practice. With patience, you will discover the places where you will feel appreciated, admired, doted on even, but finding them becomes so much easier if you try to constantly improve your dance, instead of bickering about age discrimination in the milonga.

Being a beginning leader over 40 is difficult too, but for very different reasons. Learning to lead in tango comes especially hard to those who are already used to knowing what they are doing, of being respected for their skill and experience. Tango takes away all that, for very few people have previously acquired skills that would help much. Once you are able to accept that you know nothing - and that there are other, younger men (and women!) at the milonga who know what they are doing - it becomes easier.

Don't be fooled by the fantastic smoothness of the experienced dancers. Not everyone in tango is a wonderful person, no matter how nicely they embrace you or how beautifully they can walk to the music, making you feel like a great dancer yourself. And no, a fantastic connection on the dance floor does not mean a real-life match, no matter how well you seem able to synchronise your movements. You will try anyway, like we all do. And unless you are very, immensely lucky, you will be bitterly disappointed.

Do keep in mind that even after a failed tango romance, you will keep seeing your ex in the milonga having new romances, more or less openly, right under your nose. And that *this* is exactly why the old tangueros adhere to a strict code: even established couples refrain from public displays of affection in the milonga context. It is painful enough to see someone you may still have feelings for enjoying the bliss with someone new. To have the whole crowd watch and observe your misery can be unbearable.

Don't let go of your non-tango friends. You may feel like every moment away from the Milonga is wasted, and risk boring your non-tango friends to death with your endless ramblings about the incredible depth and meaningfulness of a great embrace. They will listen to you with fading interest, so unless you want to lose them, force yourself to remain interested in their normal, non-tango life. For the day will come when you desperately need those friends to remind you who you were when tango was not involved.

If you are lucky enough to have a significant other, do think twice before dragging them into tango, unless they are genuinely interested. Having a partner with his or her own hobbies may very well be the best insurance against becoming totally engulfed by tango, and both partners having their own passion may also keep the relationship more balanced. Be warned that sharing tango with your partner will place a tremendous strain on the relationship, no matter if you are taking lessons together, dancing only with each other, or sitting apart and dancing with everyone in the milonga. Whatever unresolved issues there may exist in your relationship, they will be magnified by tango.

If, like so many of us, you come to tango with a broken heart, be warned that tango will *not* heal it. It offers a moment of comfort in the arms of people who don't know anything about you, but as much as you would like to believe that this is all that is needed to make you whole again, the truth is quite the opposite. Whatever painful memories you carry with you to the milonga, you will end up dancing with - and so does everybody else. With experience, you may learn to deal with your past, but it will be despite tango - not because of it.

Do protect your personal integrity, even when you desperately want to become a member of the "cool kids" gang that can be found in every tango event. Never let anyone bully you, harrass you, or cause you physical discomfort. This is especially true for beginning followers who usually learn the hard way how to protect their feet, their back or their knees. Tango should *not* hurt, and physical pain is *not* a sign of a great event, but rather, of a faulty technique on one or both sides of the tango couple. Similarly, sexual harassment has no place in tango, even if it comes from the best dancer in the milonga.

Do remember that even if it won't guarantee you dances, what counts at the end of the day is being a nice person. Being polite, kind and considerate is never left unnoticed, even if breaking into a new tango community is often a chore. Similarly, if a fantastic dancer turns out to be an egoistic psychopath (something not totally unheard of), you will need to make a conscious decision on how much it matters to you to have those great dances anyway.

And finally, do try to learn both roles from the very beginning. You can still choose your "main" role, but understanding what the other side feels like, what kind of challenges they face, is the best guarantee of compassion for your dance partner. One day, being able to contribute to a happy, all-encompassing environment in the milonga by inviting those who don't otherwise get to dance much, may become your biggest - or only - source of tango joy.

You will fall into the trap, it is almost inevitable. But with good preparation - and a little luck - it may be possible to find your way out again.

Good luck.