On Tango Bliss... and Angst (Vilnius, Lithuania)
After a couple of months of more or less stationary life, I am back on the tango road. True, I did go to Sun Tango Festival in Latvia in August, as well as the World of Tango Festival in Tampere, but somehow they seemed so close to home that I did not get that real tango-travelling feeling until arriving here yesterday afternoon.
The months since returning from Paris have passed by in a kind of a haze, partly because I have made some pretty big changes to my life. Having decided to move on from the responsible travel work that I have been involved with for the past 8 years, I have now completed my final commitments in that field, and essentially, am now free to decide what to do with the rest of my life. It is an exhilarating feeling, knowing that one gets to choose again (and again and again). Of course, in a way it is also frightening, not knowing what you are supposed to do, but mostly I just find it extremely liberating.
Having gained even more free time than I already had in my leisurely lifestyle, I have been able to let tango take the central stage in my life. Whereas until this summer's trip I was dancing maybe 4 times a week, I am now up to 5 or 6. Most importantly, I have started doing practicas with Jyrki who is quite advanced (at least in Finnish terms) and very committed to tango. This, of course, opens up a whole new world of possibilities, as until now, my training partners have not been willing to devote much time to continuous learning. Thus, whereas the intial idea was to take one weekly lesson together, we have quickly increased this to two lessons and 2-3 weekly practicas, as well as dancing in milongas. In short, I am now practicing with a leader whose ability or commitment will NOT be the limiting factor! :-)
Naturally, this immersion has also had its effects on my dancing. For several weeks, our tango was steadily improving with a deepening sense of trust, freedom and creativity, and there were milongas where we both were almost overwhelmed with joy at the ease of it all. How such a sense of mutual confidence and freedom can be achieved so quickly and effortlessly, I still don't understand, but this certainly is one of the essential components of Tango Magic. Inside that secure bubble, everything seems possible, and no external pressure affects you much. Instead, you feel strangely detached from the everyday hassles. I suppose in a way Tango Bliss is very much like being in love. Except that this time (for once!!), I am happy to report that I have no hidden motives, secret wishes or unfulfilled expectations. I am just happy to dance and to be (at least periodically) able to express myself through it.
However, and I am sure most of my readers already know this, for some reason the Tango Bliss cannot ever last very long. Even if the previous night you had danced with confidence, balance and sensitivity, the following day it can all be gone. And this is exactly what happened to me and Jyrki. Just as miraculously as it had appeared, the sense of ease disappeared. It was as if a bubble had burst, and from one day to the next, our confidence evaporated into thin air. All of a sudden, we were bumping into each other, stepping on each others' toes, even kicking each other when losing our timing and balance. To make matters worse, we both got pretty upset with ourselves very (too) soon. Agitated, tense and impatient, we struggled to achieve any contact that would allow the movement to flow. At the Monday lesson, the (admittedly complicated) combination did not seem to make any sense, and we both were just waiting for it to be over.
We had talked about the fact that a setback was likely to happen as progress is never linear, that our volatile minds were bound to create difficulties somewhere down the line. Still, it took me by surprise how violent the effect was. It was as if everything had gone dark all of a sudden; I was moody, slept badly, snapped at my dogs and family, just generally felt miserable. The positive energy that had filled me for months was gone, and in its wake there was a sense of gloom and doom that made everything seem pointless. I think an essential component that made it worse was the inherent fear that resides in everyone and surfaces at moments of self-doubt. It can be the fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of not living up to one's own expectations, of letting the other one down... the list goes on forever.
Fortunately, after ruminating on it for a couple of days, we managed to talk about it and to establish that both were indeed still committed to practicing together. The current crisis is not bound to last forever, but rather an opportunity to learn more about oneself, tango and life.
Thus, coming to Vilnius for this Festival was just what I needed, as it gave me an opportunity to look at things from a different perspective. To get here, I first took the ferry to Tallinn. The ferry was actually one of the cruise ships that ply the waters between Finland and Estonia, and I was happy to have opted for it, as the weather was very windy and the ride quite a bumpy one. Spending the two hour sea journey in the panorama restaurant at the ship's bow, I was able to take in the full splendour of the big waves breaking against the bow and splashing accross the enormous windows that reached all the way to the ceiling. To be honest, I was not totally relaxed, as the sinking of M/S Estonia in 1994 took place in very similar circumstances.
The rest of the journey went more peacefully, as on the way I visited a friend and spent a night in a nice hostel in the town of Parnu in southern Estonia. Arriving here yesterday afternoon, I was back in my usual good moods, humming to the Sexteto Milonguero album I had downloaded to my MP3 just before the trip.
Last night was the first milonga of the festival, and as always in a strange tango city, I found myself wondering whether there really would be anybody else. Getting to the venue, it seemed pretty empty at first, but soon filled up to a reasonable density. There were mostly local tangueros, but also an Italian group of leaders as well as some Russians, a few Latvians and the odd stray dancer from other countries. However, tonight there are bound to be more people as it is now the weekend. The music was good, I danced a lot, and although I still haven't fully regained my confidence, I was starting to enjoy tango again. It is still a while before I'll be back to my usual self, but at least I am not brooding any more.
The months since returning from Paris have passed by in a kind of a haze, partly because I have made some pretty big changes to my life. Having decided to move on from the responsible travel work that I have been involved with for the past 8 years, I have now completed my final commitments in that field, and essentially, am now free to decide what to do with the rest of my life. It is an exhilarating feeling, knowing that one gets to choose again (and again and again). Of course, in a way it is also frightening, not knowing what you are supposed to do, but mostly I just find it extremely liberating.
Having gained even more free time than I already had in my leisurely lifestyle, I have been able to let tango take the central stage in my life. Whereas until this summer's trip I was dancing maybe 4 times a week, I am now up to 5 or 6. Most importantly, I have started doing practicas with Jyrki who is quite advanced (at least in Finnish terms) and very committed to tango. This, of course, opens up a whole new world of possibilities, as until now, my training partners have not been willing to devote much time to continuous learning. Thus, whereas the intial idea was to take one weekly lesson together, we have quickly increased this to two lessons and 2-3 weekly practicas, as well as dancing in milongas. In short, I am now practicing with a leader whose ability or commitment will NOT be the limiting factor! :-)
Naturally, this immersion has also had its effects on my dancing. For several weeks, our tango was steadily improving with a deepening sense of trust, freedom and creativity, and there were milongas where we both were almost overwhelmed with joy at the ease of it all. How such a sense of mutual confidence and freedom can be achieved so quickly and effortlessly, I still don't understand, but this certainly is one of the essential components of Tango Magic. Inside that secure bubble, everything seems possible, and no external pressure affects you much. Instead, you feel strangely detached from the everyday hassles. I suppose in a way Tango Bliss is very much like being in love. Except that this time (for once!!), I am happy to report that I have no hidden motives, secret wishes or unfulfilled expectations. I am just happy to dance and to be (at least periodically) able to express myself through it.
However, and I am sure most of my readers already know this, for some reason the Tango Bliss cannot ever last very long. Even if the previous night you had danced with confidence, balance and sensitivity, the following day it can all be gone. And this is exactly what happened to me and Jyrki. Just as miraculously as it had appeared, the sense of ease disappeared. It was as if a bubble had burst, and from one day to the next, our confidence evaporated into thin air. All of a sudden, we were bumping into each other, stepping on each others' toes, even kicking each other when losing our timing and balance. To make matters worse, we both got pretty upset with ourselves very (too) soon. Agitated, tense and impatient, we struggled to achieve any contact that would allow the movement to flow. At the Monday lesson, the (admittedly complicated) combination did not seem to make any sense, and we both were just waiting for it to be over.
We had talked about the fact that a setback was likely to happen as progress is never linear, that our volatile minds were bound to create difficulties somewhere down the line. Still, it took me by surprise how violent the effect was. It was as if everything had gone dark all of a sudden; I was moody, slept badly, snapped at my dogs and family, just generally felt miserable. The positive energy that had filled me for months was gone, and in its wake there was a sense of gloom and doom that made everything seem pointless. I think an essential component that made it worse was the inherent fear that resides in everyone and surfaces at moments of self-doubt. It can be the fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of not living up to one's own expectations, of letting the other one down... the list goes on forever.
Fortunately, after ruminating on it for a couple of days, we managed to talk about it and to establish that both were indeed still committed to practicing together. The current crisis is not bound to last forever, but rather an opportunity to learn more about oneself, tango and life.
Thus, coming to Vilnius for this Festival was just what I needed, as it gave me an opportunity to look at things from a different perspective. To get here, I first took the ferry to Tallinn. The ferry was actually one of the cruise ships that ply the waters between Finland and Estonia, and I was happy to have opted for it, as the weather was very windy and the ride quite a bumpy one. Spending the two hour sea journey in the panorama restaurant at the ship's bow, I was able to take in the full splendour of the big waves breaking against the bow and splashing accross the enormous windows that reached all the way to the ceiling. To be honest, I was not totally relaxed, as the sinking of M/S Estonia in 1994 took place in very similar circumstances.
The rest of the journey went more peacefully, as on the way I visited a friend and spent a night in a nice hostel in the town of Parnu in southern Estonia. Arriving here yesterday afternoon, I was back in my usual good moods, humming to the Sexteto Milonguero album I had downloaded to my MP3 just before the trip.
Last night was the first milonga of the festival, and as always in a strange tango city, I found myself wondering whether there really would be anybody else. Getting to the venue, it seemed pretty empty at first, but soon filled up to a reasonable density. There were mostly local tangueros, but also an Italian group of leaders as well as some Russians, a few Latvians and the odd stray dancer from other countries. However, tonight there are bound to be more people as it is now the weekend. The music was good, I danced a lot, and although I still haven't fully regained my confidence, I was starting to enjoy tango again. It is still a while before I'll be back to my usual self, but at least I am not brooding any more.
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